Memory

The first time I feel that way was when I was twelve. I was in school, and there was this beautiful girl with blond hair and blue eyes which used to turn into green when she was upset. The very first time I saw her, she was, surprise surprise, crying. She used to cry a lot, and I was too young (and still am) to fully understand why. Maybe they're right and you're not supposed to understand women. Anyway, she was crying and I felt like I'd do anything for her to stop crying. But I wasn't in love, of course. However I really liked what I saw. She looked so beautiful with her wild-long hair, and she was running away, in such a hurry. And I remember I thought: 'I wish I could talk to her'.

God, Universe, a superior power, coincidence, something, must have listened to me, because I had the chance to talk to her. She started to come to my classroom, I cannot remember why, but I had the chance to see her every day. And I just approached to her just to see her, though I didn't say anything to her. I was to scary to do that. Until one day a friend of mine kind of confess to me that he liked her. And he was to scared too to speak to her. So I offer my service and talked to her to introduce her to my friend (genius).

They became friends, and he was warmer than I was, so he could speak to her easier than I could have. However, I had sometimes the chance to speak to her, and we kind of got along very well, even thou I felt like I wasn't going to do anything about it, because my friend was hitting on her. And although she was older than we, and I guess that was the reason for us to be scared, she was a nice, warm person, and she was so, so kind when we talk, that I began to feel kind of sad for not being braver and tell her something else.

A month after, I suppose (this was long, really long time ago), she wrote a letter to my friend. I couldn't help but feel something like jealousy (though I didn't really know about it by that time). He read it to me, and I felt a relief. She didn't say anything wrong, just that he was nice. And he started bluffing to his other friends of that silly letter. His friends made fun of him because, seriously, there was nothing to be proud of, and they broke the letter. She found out, and she got really upset (with years of distance I realize that she wasn't upset at all: that situation just gave her a perfect excuse to play that card...). I tried to light the mood on, but she was mad...at him. 

After that, she wrote a letter for me, kind of in the tone that the one she wrote to my friend. But this was a bit different, because she said she enjoyed my company, and that was weird. I felt ridiculously happy when I read that, but I couldn't let her know that, because she would have take advantage of that, and I felt like I have a really good change to make a slightly move towards her, but I had to play my game really well.

After another month, she and I were talking to each other almost daily (of course it was school and I know: did we really have a choice here? I'm guessing no...), but the situation improved vastly for me. We were cuddling, and we were laughing. Everything was nice, and I started to develop some deep feelings towards her. Also, she had introduced me to her friends, and I got along with them, or it appeared to be that way, so I was making advances with her. And every time I touched her, as in a hug, I felt a relief, a kind sensation, and I started to think about her more and more.

One day, one of her friends started to talk to me, like if she had some deeper interest in me. Not phisically, or romantically, but like if she was trying to tell me something. I was too young to get it (and even now that is still hard for me), so she had to made it specific:

'She is waiting for you to ask her for being a couple'

That was new information, and I almost panicked when she told me that. I managed to behave, to control the situation, and then I started talking to her friend very friendly, trying to find out whether or not this information was true or if she was playing. But deep down, I so wanted this to be true, because it gave me the kick that I was waiting for...it gave me bravery. So that same afternoon I asked her: do you wanna be my girlfriend? 

I remember that I was shaking like a leaf, and I almost die when the words came out of my mouth. She was staring at me, almost with blankly eyes, and she was surprised. I was thinking 'this could be so good or so wrong', afraid of her reaction. She said nothing for seconds, which I felt like hours, and then she started explain herself...'this is bad', I thought. She started all like 'you know, you're my friend, and we have spent some great time together...', and she went on an on, and I was waiting for the objection, the 'but' of the sentence...and I didn't hear it. I was looking at her blue eyes directly, and she was like do I say yes or do I say no...and then she said yes...then she said no...and finally she said 'let me think about it and tomorrow I'll have an answer for you'.

That was good enough for me, and I went home thinking about how could be possible to me for asking her that. I felt weird. Good but weird, because I had never asked something like that before to a girl. I barely could talk to girls by that time. And I did it. I felt like the effort was worthy, and that even if she said no, I would have been ok because I was brave an talk to her. And in all honesty, I felt a relief. That afternoon wasn't that bad because instead of feeling anxious, I felt relief. So the wait wasn't badly at all.

The next day I so felt anxious. This is it, thought I. And the waiting felt really long. 

She came to my classroom by 9 am or something, and she entered, looking at me, and I went to her. Then she said, 'I thought about it, and the answer is yes'. Then I gave her a clumsy kiss, which improved very soon. I felt...I really tried to remember how I felt, because that was the very first time I really felt attracted to someone, and she had correspond to my feelings. But I'm not sure if I can remember this the right way. All I know is that the kiss tasted the sweetest thing in my life at that point.

We started a relationship, a cute, innocent relationship, in which we talked to each other, support each other and kiss each other. Pretty much that was it. But my heart felt alive, or something, and my view of the world improved vastly. And I started to feel sad when she was sad, and immediatly tried to fix the situation for her. Just to see her happy, just to see that beautiful smile of her. 

One day I was out of my classroom, and she was at hers. I was alone, losing time, thinking about how I felt about her, trying to make my mind and to understand why I felt so good when around her. Then I thought I was overreacting, that my feelings weren't that strong. I must say while I was thinking about this I didn't realize she was at her classroom. The door was open, and she was right next to it, so I could see her. And suddenly, I looked at that classroom, and I saw her: she was sitting on her chair, writing down on a notebook, or something, and she was so focused on her task. Her hair falling down to her shoulders, and crossing her legs, I swear, she was the most beautiful woman I've ever saw. And my heart was beating fast. 

The next thing I know is that I am so overwhelmed of this feeling, but I don't know what to think (I knew, but I didn't want to acknowledge it). And then she looked at me...and we are 24 feet appart, but I can see her smiling, and I am smiling too. Then, in a moment, she is outside the classroom, and she's giving me a letter. That was she was so focused on. She's asking me to read it, and while I read, I'm trying to focus on my feelings. Everything was so new to me...So I have to do a wild guess, which I did immediately : this must be love. I am in love. And when I finished, I told her. 

That was the most beautiful think I could say. I felt beautiful by saying those words, and I wanted them to be true, because the feeling was nice, and she believed me. She didn't have much of a choice, because she saw in my eyes that I wouldn't lie about something like that. Because it was serious. And she told me she loved me too. But I was so bad at demonstrations, and she wanted me to be more romantic, and to be more supportive, and to me more grown up, which I wasn't, and that was the first of the end. 

I guess she was having a rough time at her house, with her parents or something. We were way too young to go that far. I remember she broke with me twice, though I don't remember why, exactly. She said that it wasn't her fault, that there were things that I didn't understand or some crap like that.

One day she looked for me at my classroom, and took me somewhere else. She had already broken up with me and we were 'as friends'. She started talking, and then she said she didn't want to lose me or something. And for my surprise, I asked her: 

'are you sure? Because I don't want this on and off situation...'. 

I didn't mean to say it, but deep down that was the most honest thing I could say to her at that moment. And I realized that I was mad at her because she was always blaming others for not being able to do things. And also, I think she was being bullied by her classmates because she was 'dating' someone younger. That was like a sin or similar. Anyway, she looked at me with surprise, because that was so not me, but she said:

 'yes, I understand you're mad but, I'm sure. I wanna be with you'.


I know, the whole thing sounds ridiculous, specially given the fact of our age and the situation of the school. But we were learning, and that was a very good experience. So we went back. That was the first time we broke up, and we tried to move on. But eventually we broke up two months later, I think. That wasn't unexpected, and that wasn't that bad. However, at that time I was still in love with her (or at least I thought so), for that reason it was a bit hard to see her and not speaking to her. 

That's right, deep down we knew we wouldn't be able to keep the friendship, and I really don't get why. All I know is that neither of us would have been strong enough to do it, so we stop talking, and the situation became akward for almost a year, which was the time I was kept in that school by my parents.

At the end I left the school, but I didn't forget her, because she was my very first love experience, and we both (hopefully) enjoy that, even if it wasn't so kind at the end. But breaking up is hard, isn't it? And besides, I was twelve and she was fifteen, I think. 

Almost five years later, I was in the subway, sitting, and as always, I was distracted. Then I look at people, and...there she is. At the begining I didn't believe what I was seeing. But then I look at her eyes, and I couldn't mistake that. Yes, she was there. And when she looked me back, she immediately recognize me, and she flushed. I smiled, and I didn't say anything (what was I supposed to say). I just smiled at her, and I think she understood that all I have for her is a great feeling and an awesome memory of her, because she was my very first love.

I left the subway, and never saw her again. And that situation helped me not to think about her that much, to turn the corner, because before that subway situation, I thought about her almost every day of those five years, and I didn't really moved on until that day. And I am grateful for all the good stuff that happened after that subway.